


Unsteady

by blue_meets_green



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Jim, Insecurity, M/M, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 22:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8865988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_meets_green/pseuds/blue_meets_green
Summary: There are some who wonder what makes Jim Kirk the man he is, there are even fewer who take notice what's behind the bright spotlight shown on the mantle of such a man. Can one view a bright “supernova” for what it truly represents before it burns out...?





	1. Supernova

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this story is from the song “Unsteady” by X Ambassadors. 
> 
> This story came to mind late one night. I tried to put it aside by focusing on my other stories but it kept pulling at my heartstrings and I could ignore it any longer. While it begins near the holidays, I am not tagging it as a holiday story. This is a personal story for Jim Kirk, for myself and anyone who has ever felt alone in a crowded room.

 

  
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright  
_In the forests of the night,_  
_What immortal hand or eye_  
_Could frame thy fearful symmetry?_  
  
\- From William Blake's poem “the Tyger”

 

Sitting in the ship's mess hall, members of his crew nodded in passing paying respect to the young Captain. He saved the Yorktown, now it was time for moving forward. Well into their third year of a five year mission, Jim looked at the expanse of the hall. He viewed young crew members quietly engaged in discussion, others animatedly moving their hands about in conversation on returning to Earth. He sat alone at his table looking down at his meal, he wasn't hungry. Jim considered dining in his cabin, away from everyone but the good doctor said it was for morale that Enterprise see her Captain.

Jim took pride in his ship, proud that she was rebuilt shortly after losing her to Krall. Jim's brush with death wasn't something he liked to dwell on, but it was something on the forefront of his mind each time they engaged into the unknown. Jim was surprised he lasted this long already, life had a way of catching up to a person and the Captain felt his time had come and gone like a passing star in the night's sky.

Looking across to Spock and Uhura, Jim admired the closeness they had. He was pleased his first officer maintained his friendship with Nyota despite their romantic relationship ending. Serious relationships were something Jim never really had in his life, with a miserable childhood and past on Tarsus who would want to be his.

Growing up, Jim hid his fears well...never wanting anyone to know deep inside he was timid, afraid and carried a low self esteem of himself. He was taught early on, believing he had nothing to offer anyone in life.

In the public eye Jim was a social butterfly in the light, some felt he was a supernova burning too intensely and believed he was at the end of his career not being able to top what he succeeded in saving Earth then later the Yorktown. Jim believed his flame was too bright that he blinded some people with his persona. He feared he blinded Spock, never allowing the Vulcan an opportunity to see past his facade. Spock was the one person he truly admired.

Spock did not ever commented on the Captain's actions outside of duty. He spoke often to him during off hours from Alpha shift but did not make an effort to understand the young Captain...to delve deeper into what made Jim Kirk the man he was. Perhaps in another reality, they could be close friends…but not here and certainly not now.

It was close to the Holiday season on Earth. The Enterprise was due to arrive in 3 days time, giving its crew a much needed shore leave. They were being given a month off for good measure, many could not wait to see loved ones. Jim wasn't looking forward to it but he knew his crew was. Not wanting to deprive the ship's personnel of the festivities, Jim allowed minimal decorations to be hung about as long they did not prove to be a distraction from duty. Yeoman Rand went so far as to place a small tree on his desk, it was all Jim would allow her to do. He didn't want reminders of his past, Christmas was not the happiest of times for a young Jim Kirk.

**He can still remember the days when Frank returned home from work in a drunken stupor carrying takeout for dinner.**

_It was 3 AM in the morning in Riverside, young James and Sam were woken up. Their mother urging them to quickly dress and go to the family dining table where their step father Frank was sitting. Never mind it was a school night, Frank brought diner and everyone had to eat so as not to bring the man to an angered frenzy and further terrorize them._  
  
_Jim knew what would happen if he didn't eat the food, he learned his lesson the last time he feel asleep with his head to the plate. The soles of his feet still ached when Frank rammed the board against them that day. In an effort to stay awake, Jim kept pinching his thigh, fingers squeezing his tender flesh until it became sore and raw._  
  
_The food was cold but still Jim served each spoonful into his small mouth, being careful not to drop a single crumb. Later his belly ached as he laid down in his bed. Neither he nor Sam said a word as they both remained still in their bedroom._ _Jim turned his head towards the window where twinkling Christmas lights hung outside, further out he could see the stars. How Jim wished he could be one of those stars burning brightly in the night sky._

 

“Hey Jim.”  
  
Glancing up, “Hi Bones.”  
  
“I am glad you followed your doctor's advice and decided to grace us with your presence, besides it's good for morale.” McCoy barks.  
  
“So you told me, repeatedly.”  
  
“You barely touched your food Jim, something wrong?”  
  
“No I'm fine. I had a big lunch and still feel full. I was on my way back to the bridge, I still have reports to go through even during this festive season.”  
  
“Yeah it looks good don't it? I think it's nice. I even let Chapel get into the spirit and help me decorate my office. I can't wait to see my little girl back home, I am sure they have the tree up by now. How about you Jim? Are you seeing your family?”  
  
“Ummm, well my mother is still aboard on the Lanstrom and my brother Sam is on Deneva with Aurelan and their son Peter. My grandmother is on the family farm so I will be seeing her.”  
  
“Well that's great, I hope you enjoy the time there.”  
  
'Thanks Bones.”  
  
Jim rises from his seat leaving the mess hall, taking his meal to his quarters. He won't discard the food because he knows to do so is wrong because Jim Kirk never makes mistakes....  
  
Entering his quarters, he sits in silence taking bites of his meal, pinching the skin of his thigh as he does so.

BLUE_MEETS_GREEN

 


	2. Nervous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim tries to hold it together but can't help himself from falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My music muse for this chapter is from the song “Nervous” by X Ambassadors.

 

Sitting in the Command chair Jim views the bridge in all its intensity of light... bright, blinding, burning as it hazed his thoughts or so he felt in the vacuum of space. It was that same feeling when he emerged from the caves on Tarsus after hiding in the darkness for so long, invisible to their captors, their judge and jury.  
  
It was all he could do to keep himself and the others safe after what the Governor of Tarsus did. Watching his friends and family die for the belief of one man was enough for any young child to see. Mothers, Fathers, sisters, brothers, sons and daughters, anyone and everyone who was held dear lost forever in the stillness of that night. The bright, blinding, burning intensity of the light over head in the stadium where Jim and a select few stood among the mass of bodies of those they loved. Kodos may as well have imbrued his hands in their blood himself.

Sometimes Jim reminds himself he is not there, but here on the bridge. He rouses himself out of the past and into the present, noting no one has noticed.

Chekov enters the codes necessary for docking procedure. It was routine, however the Captain felt anything but as the temptation to act on impulses was still there lingering even after years of training himself. Jim forces his hands to his side, ignoring the compulsion to pick at flesh callus and worn.

Jim is glad Spock is not on the bridge but in the labs. It was at the Captain's insistence that his science officer oversee the securing of the science division's experiments to make sure they were cataloged. He knew had Spock been here, he would have noted Jim's behavior and questioned him on the matter.

It seemed that Lady Luck had woken up on the right side, up to now Jim has been able to control himself around his crew however lately he feels old habits returning to the surface. He cannot afford slip ups, not now.. not ever. He needs to set example before his crew, Jim hopes he can hold out just a little longer.

Everyday it's been an uphill battle, waking up afraid to look on the bright side. As a child Jim often told his Grandmother he gets nervous when he's happy knowing what comes up must come down. Waiting for the worst of what's to come in a long line of disappointment is something Jim is all too familiar with.

He casually observes his crew, wondering how lucky he should be to have such individuals…such bright stars in the night sky. Each and everyone loyal to him and the ship, Jim considers himself damn lucky in that regard if nothing else.

Turning toward his communication officer, “Uhura ship wide communication please.”  
  
“Aye sir.”  
  
“This is your Captain speaking, all non essential crew and staff will disembark the ship once we've docked. All department heads and senior staff will remain until all cargo has been logged and transferred over. It is my hope that after the month long shore leave, you will have returned rested and ready to serve in your duties as crew members aboard this vessel. Kirk out.”  
  
After signing out, “Well that should go well.”  
  
“Yes sir, we can only hope.” Uhura adds.  
  
Just as Jim returns to view his reports. The turbo lift doors open to reveal Doctor McCoy, somber as ever and ready to serve the ship's captain some news even if it is unwanted.  
  
“Well Jim, it appears you have everything set in motion, except one thing.” McCoy drawled as he followed the captain to a meeting room off the bridge.  
  
As soon as the door is closed Jim lays into the doctor. “No Bones, I refuse to hear it. I am not going to any establishments you recommend because someone you met at a star base said it was the best. Do you realize how many backwater holes you've dragged me during the years I've known you?”  
  
“Damn it Jim who's counting? Look I have one day before I leave to Georgia and I'd like to have a drink with my friend before I do. Is that so much to ask?”  
  
“Coming from anyone else?...” Jim smirks.  
  
“Don't you say it James Tiberius Kirk.” Bones tells him.

“Now you just sound like my mother Bones, except she never gave a damn about anyone or anything except my Dad.”  
  
“We can toast to your Pa, hell I'll even toast to Spock's Pa, if you'll agree with me to one drink.” Bones suggested.  
  
  
  
  
+        +        +  
  
  
_**Many hours later....**_

  
  
The senior bridge crew is seated at a restaurant, enjoying a plate of food and a long round of drinks. Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott is pouring the drinks himself not trusting his favorite brand of whiskey to just anyone. Sitting next to him is Sulu, proudly showing photos of his daughter and husband to Doctor McCoy who dishes advice to the young father. Chevok smiles noting how he cared for siblings growing up.  Nyota is seated with Spock at the next table adjacent to the Captain who sits alone. It was her insistence that the Vulcan accompany them before departing.  
  
“Captain, I see you haven't touched your drink.” Nyota pointed out.  
  
“I don't feel much like celebrating tonight, but thanks.” Jim counters.  
  
Spock raises an eyebrow, “Captain, I have noted that it is customary to share a toast among friends to wish them well on their journey. Do you not agree that the shore leave provided by Star fleet could be considered as such?”  
  
“Yes I suppose so. Look Commander I am not up for toasting. If you will excuse me, I'll be outside.”  
  
Jim rises from his seat, pulling his coat over him and exiting the restaurant. He opens the doors and once outside, he walks to the side of the building. As he waits for patrons to pass him by, Jim exhales a deep sigh he had been holding in. He leans against the wall as tears flood his eyes and fall onto his cheeks.  
  
Meanwhile in the restaurant, Spock is perplexed. “There is something wrong.”  
  
“What? The captain? Maybe he's just anxious to leave back home. I am sure Jim's fine.” Nyota huffed.  
  
“Fine has variable meanings, however that is not my main concern.”  
  
“What is.”  
  
“The fact that we are not on duty,  yet he referred to me as Commander and did not correct my addressing him as Captain instead of Jim.”

 

 

**BLUE_MEETS_GREEN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jim is falling apart, hopefully some one has noticed.


	3. Omission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim almost succumbs to breaking down, while someone tries to sort the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of the music I am listening to while writing this story is from this [post](https://bluemeetsgreen.wordpress.com/2016/12/27/music-muse-this-week-12-27-2016/) on my blog.

Jim stood leaning against the wall, his tears freely falling onto his clothing. His sobbing is one of heartache and sorrow, he knows this is the season of good will but Jim finds he has little will left these days.  
  
Desperately wanting to force himself into a facade which he has done countless times when dealing with dignitaries, Jim's shoulders sag. He can't pretend he's immune to it all anymore and he admits to himself throwing in the towel seems much easier than carrying on. Sometimes he wishes he was a small child again, without the weight of the world on his shoulders. There's little reprieve in that thought because his childhood wasn't much better.  
  
Growing up in the shadow of a man whom everyone considered a hero was something Jim inherited even if he didn't want it. He wishes at times his father was a different man and not George Kirk. It's too late for that, he can't think about what could have been. Before Jim can compose himself, he hears steps coming toward him. Quickly wiping away the tears, he straightens himself.

“Forgive me for intruding, I was merely attempting to extricate myself from the festive atmosphere.” Spock stated.

“I expected as much Commander with not being aware of Earth's customs in observing holidays. They say ignorance is bliss.”

“I take it you would prefer to be a casual observer and not a participant during tonight's gathering?”  
  
Jim turns toward Spock, “Oh no you got me wrong. I don't want to observe anything either. It's just I'm expected to.”

Spock raises an eyebrow, “Clarify.”

“Well. I'm the Captain for one and I must set an example for my crew.” Jim smiles.

Spock doesn't quite understand the Captain's behavior. Clearly he had been emotionally upset, moments ago. His eyes are glossy and eyelashes wet, cheeks ruddy and his stance is off. Why he chooses to smile is beyond Vulcan's reasoning, as logic and James T. Kirk are rarely found in the same room.”

Instead of pointing it out, Spock says nothing to the contrary. He merely stands near Jim's side.

“Was there something you wanted Commander?”

“May I make a query?”

“Yes, go ahead.”

“You have made a point 98.25 percent of the time that I should call you Jim in place of addressing you as Captain when off duty, yet this evening you have failed to do so. For what purpose?”

“I fail to see any relevance on why I chose to address you as Commander. Look I am just tired. It has been a long week and I think I'll be leaving. Tell everyone goodnight and goodbye for me.”  
  
As Jim tries to walk away, Spock places his hand on the sleeve of his jacket. “Jim… I may not know what is troubling you. It is believed I could not understand what you are going through because of being who I am. I must correct you in that I may have a comprehension or grasp if you will, some semblance of your turmoil at the root of your struggle.”  
  
“Don't patronize me Spock. You don't know anything about me apart from our working relationship… sure we've shared some time together off duty but it doesn't give you any insight into what makes me tick.” Jim huffs.  
  
Spock moves forward, leaning in toward his Captain. The human's cheeks still wet with tears and Spock understands what it is like sitting in a crowded room… feeling alone. It was that way for him growing up as a child of two worlds.. neither being considered fully Vulcan nor fully human. He was by his peers on Vulcan, too human and on Earth serving in Starfleet he was viewed as too Vulcan. How odd to be considered only as one or the other and not both.

Reluctantly Spock lets go of Jim's sleeve and observes him walk toward a transport vehicle. Jim turns slowly before entering it, glancing back out of the corner of his eye. He thinks for a second he sees Spock lowering his head in disbelief as if he was able to see right through Jim's guise.

 

\+        +        +

  


Spock continued to remain outdoors. Granted it was a chilly night but nothing as cold as the words spoken by Jim. Spock gathered most of what was said had been untrue or at least the Captain believed them to be true. Secrets and lies become a tangled web that even the most trained will begin to blur the lines between deception and truth.  
  
Jim wasn't being honest but in some ways his words were like a beacon, bringing light to a subject the human thought he was keeping hidden. Spock was perplexed at why, perhaps there was more to James T. Kirk than meets the eye.   
  
As the Vulcan re-enters the establishment, he views Nyota enjoying the company of the rest of the crew who by this time are inebriated to some extent. The only ones who seem unaffected are Nyota and Doctor McCoy.

“Spock, did you speak with the Captain?” She inquires while pulling Spock aside.

“I did not speak as much as I observed his behavior. There is something distressing him but I was not able to gain the information necessary to determine what indeed set him off this evening.”  
  
“That bad?”  
  
“It would appear so.”

“Where is he now, is he still outside?”  
  
“No, he has departed to his hotel room I would surmise.”  
  
McCoy stepped in with a glass of brandy in his hand, “Where's Jim?”  
  
“The Captain is taken leave for the remainder of the evening.”  
  
Bones frowned, “Well I guess he needed to leave on an early shuttle to visit his Grandmother in Riverside.”  
  
Nyota gasps, “That is not possible, I handled the incoming message when it was received, Mrs. Samantha Kirk passed on 10 months ago.”  
  
Bones confused looks on, “But he said his grandmother is on the family farm and he'll be seeing her.”  
  
Spock cuts in, “Interesting.”  
  
Nyota asks, “How so?”  
  
“The Captain did not lie by telling the doctor his plans. It would appear the Captain refrain from telling the whole story. We can gather that he held back certain truths by omission, it would stand to reason Mrs. Samantha Kirk's grave is on the family farm.”  
  
“But why would Jim lie about that?” Bones argues.

“I guess only he can answer that.” Nyota whispers.  
  
“Indeed.” Spock states. 

 

 

 

**BLUE_MEETS_GREEN,**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this story. Kudos and comments are appreciated.


	4. Reverie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim leaves to his hometown of Riverside in desperation, hoping for an escape. Spock realizes the Captain's importance more than he ever thought possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay, there were two deaths in my family in late January and I was recuperating from a knee injury. Life took precedence however I am back. I will endeavor to begin update weekly if possible. Thank you for following this story.

 

 

He didn't look back as he boarded the transport. It was strange that only years earlier, a fresh face young man arrived here in San Francisco eager to prove himself. He had successfully saved Earth on more than one occasion and showed those who doubted him that he was worthy of the title 'captain.' Now sitting in civilian garments looking alike everyone else, Jim felt a little freedom.

He felt free to run away in reverie and forget the past, his troubles, his responsibility if only for a short time. He knew a month shore leave was not enough time to separate the man from the officer and captain he had become but it would have to do. As the shuttle lifted off the ground Jim placed his earpiece on, shutting his eyes as the music began to play. His taste varied but he enjoyed mostly songs of the past, centuries old as it was something he played often in his youth.

His grandmother was the town's librarian, who kept copies of books as well of the sounds from musical artists from the early seventeenth century to the mid twenty-first century. Young Jim adored sitting on the floor listening to songs that spoke of life, love, tragedy and happiness.

“ _Jimmy get off that floor boy.” His grandfather spoke._

“ _Pay him no mind James, he wouldn't know a note if it blew in his ear.” Samantha Jo Kirk whispered to her grandson._

“ _MeeMaw?”_

“ _Yes darling?”_

“ _Why doesn't Grandpa like the music?_

“ _Oh honey, it's not that he doesn’t like the music. The songs reminded your Grandpa of how much things have changed in the world. Life was simpler centuries ago. Some people have their hearts in the past and we just gotta let him catch up on their own. Sometimes others need a little push.”_

“ _You mean like my Mommy? She misses Daddy a lot. Sometimes I can hear her cry at night when she thinks me and Sam are asleep. I wish I could tell her it's okay and hug her but I just end up hurting her cause I look like Daddy.”_

_Lifting up his chin, Samantha Kirk looks into her grandson's young face. It saddens her that her son George Kirk never got to know his son. It pains her that so much has been laid on a child so young to bear the burden of a mother lost in the memory of her husband._

“ _James, you are a blessing to us all. We love you sweetheart and just cause you look like your Daddy when he was your age don't mean anything bad. You hear me?”_

_Nodding, little Jimmy gets up off the floor and hugs his Grandma tightly. “I love you MeeMaw.”_

“ _I love you too baby.”_  
  
   
Jim wipes a tear at that memory, never forgetting the love she showed him as a child. She was one of the few people who ever looked at Jim and saw his face not George Kirk or the son of George Kirk.

+        +        +  
  
  


At the transport station several of the senior bridge crew staggered in, no doubt the previous festivities still held some affect on those not accustom to the effects of alcohol. Nyota smiled as she viewed Sulu making his way onto a platform while trying to shield his eyes from the artificial light and maintaining a safe distance from falling. He did not appear to have a steady gate as he walked toward his shuttle.

Scotty on the other hand was sitting against a palm tree, appearing heavily in thought. Nyota assumed the chief engineer was avoiding having to use his limbs to move. Perhaps the hangover he had this morning had not truly gone away. Chekov **,** the youngest of the bridge crew seemed unaffected and showed no signs of ever drinking most of the men under the table last night. He nods toward Uhura and waits for his shuttle. Nyota figures he will be enjoying the sights of San Francisco since his family arrived to meet him.

Nyota is aroused from her thoughts as Spock deeply exhales. He is seated across from her at a table. She is drinking her favorite cup of orange spiced tea and enjoying a biscotti from a nearby bakery.  
  
“Spock, you should try this, it's divine.”

“You clearly meant the confection taste divine as it is being used to describe its sensation of flavor perceived in the mouth.”  
  
“Whatever.” She huffed.  
  
“Nyota, please refrain from exhaling in such a manner. It nearly proves as a distraction.”  
  
Sneering and looking at Spock, “You did the same thing a moment ago.”  
  
“I did not. I exhaled for the purpose of clearing out my lungs in order to take a fuller in-breath. This provides fresh, oxygenated air. Focused exhaling provides better control over your breathing in general.” Spock states.  
  
“Do you always have an answer for everything?'

“Yes.”  
  
“Reminds me why we broke up. I swear Spock, some days you are too much.'  
  
“Clarify.”  
  
“Oh no, you're not taking me down that rabbit hole again. I don't need to explain myself to you. I am on vacation and I am going to enjoy this shore leave if it kills me.”  
  
Spock raises an eyebrow and opens his mouth to speak but before he does, Nyota speaks. “Spock enough. It's a figure of speech, let it go. Now enjoy your tea.”  
  
“I find I cannot.” He tells her.

"Is it because I've distracted you with our conversation that you cannot focus on the task at hand? Maybe the chair and your seated position interferes with your ability to maintain an adequate distance for your arm and hand have contact with said cup.” Nyota asks hoping she has not opened another Pandora's box when it comes to Spock and his answers.  
  
“Neither.”  
  
“Then why?”  
  
“The tea has become cold.”  
  
“Arggh.”

“You seem to be functioning an lower optimum levels Lieutenant. May I inquire as to why?”  
  
“It's nothing Spock. I guess I'm just worried about the Captain. I stayed up for while last night talking to Leonard who assures me the Captain is fine. You spoke to him, well I mean to say you observed him last night. He wasn't himself and if you think about it... he hasn't been himself for months. I don't know when was the last time I heard him laugh or come down to the rec room.”

“I noted the Captain's behavior which occurred well before the death of Mrs. Samantha Kirk. It began precisely several days after our dealing with Krall. I had spoken to Doctor on the subject and he was aggravated at my bringing it up for discussion. I believe he mention something to the effect of I am a scientist not a doctor. I tried to point out the fact that while skill sets required for medicine and science are completely different, the basic function of both is to examine. I may have inferred scientific knowledge serves as the foundation for a physician's medical knowledge, and the tools that they use to diagnose and treatments that they prescribe to patients are the “fruits of science.”  
  
'I'll bet Leonard blew a whistle that day.” Nyota smirked.  
  
Spock tilted his head and before he could speak Nyota once again told him it was a form of expression.  
  
“You know Spock, I'm surprised you did not go after the Captain.” Nyota tells Spock as she continues to drink her tea.

“For what purpose are you implying?”  
  
“Well, think about it. You showed more concern over him than any of us last night.”  
  
“It is my duty to see...”  
  
Countering, “We were off duty Spock.”  
  
“I will not deny my concern for the Captain, he is after all reckless at times and can prove to be quite stubborn as well.”

“Spock, if you think about it... Jim is more important than you or I give him credit for. He practically saved Earth twice, he's saved the Yorktown, helped with the efforts on New Vulcan and he has never ask for anything in return."    
  
Adding, "And for one thing, you stayed with Star fleet because your elder counterpart said you both would share a friendship that defines you and Jim. Not to mention, you certainly show your human side more to Jim than you ever did with me. Granted you haven't acted on it but you need to make Jim your friend or you'll miss out on something big.”  
  
“How have you come to this knowledge? Spock replies.  
  
“A girl knows besides I am the ship's communications officer. Nothing gets by me.”  
  
Taking a sip of her tea and last bite of her biscotti, “Spock, I know you have good hearing as a Vulcan. Take my advice and act on it before it is too late and you'll regret ever truly knowing what your elder counterpart already knows."   
  
As Spock nods, "Forgive me Nyota if I do not continue spending the remaining portion of my leave with you."  
  
"It's okay Spock, I wasn't expecting it. Now go."        
  
As Spock rises from his seat and departs, she speaks softly to herself, "Jim please don't shut Spock.. you both need each other whether you know it or not.”

 

 

 

**BLUE_MEETS_GREEN**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for staying with me on this story. I plan to update much sooner now that I am up to speed with things.


	5. Oxygen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim arrives in Riverside only to see some things have never changed and some things are forever ingrained in the thoughts of others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally had this chapter with only Jim's POV but felt I needed to include some of Spock as well because this is as much a journey for these two men than it is for one person such as Jim.

  
Near Riverside, family and friends await loved ones disembarking shuttles from all areas of space in the quadrant. Parents await their children visiting, groups of friends look forward reuniting with others and lovers greet the one they've missed. Jim finds himself alone as he exits the shuttle, there's no one to greet him, embrace him or express their gratitude and love upon his return. A small part of Jim wishes there was someone waiting for at the gate but he shrugs it off telling himself he's better off this way.

Making to a locker, Jim uses a code to unlock it and grabs a helmet. Planning ahead pays off as Jim locates the area his trusty bike was left at. The man Jim had given it to... has been long gone.  His family contacted Jim a month ago that the bike was his if he wanted it back. Jim looks at the bike, pleased its owner cared for it much better than Jim had. For a moment Jim feels saddened for the man's family and their loss…too many lives have been claimed in the name of exploration and the unification between other words within the Federation. He wonders how others would feel at his loss, would anyone care if there was one less Kirk in it.

Quickly setting aside those thoughts, Jim pulls the bike out of the storage container and begins fastening his tote on the saddle of the bike. He checks the air and tank then wipes his hands on the leg of his jeans. Jim moves to release the brake and rives the engine to move forward.

As he sits on the worn leather of the seat he finds it feels just as good as sitting in the captain's chair, the only difference is Jim decides what journey he wants to take. There's no Starfleet, no Admirals or senior officers to report to, just an open road, a tank filled with gas and a pocket with credits.

Riding a bike is second nature to Jim, he loves the open air and surroundings. The handle bars of his bike were just an extension of his arms and hands, Jim didn't need a hoover car or transport vehicle to manure out of any tight corner… just his bike. He darts between rocky curves that could cause anyone else to swerve and miss a turn, but not Jim Kirk. The open road even with the dust in his face is something Jim had longed for upon returning to Earth. He felt the same way the day he drove around Krall’s camp as McCoy and Spock had rescued the rest of the crew. The distraction proved dangerous but since when did James T. Kirk ever shy away from danger?

Driving around, Jim feels like he's missed everything that rose to the surface in his absence from Riverside. Most of the town looks the same at a glance, however Jim knows the difference having lived a large part of his life here.  He can point to the waterhole where he played hokey from Sunday school one day in favor of necking with Penelope Cream at age 11. It wasn't his best performance and in the end Jim regretted spending that hour with her. It was a year layer he discovered someone more interesting to kiss… Ivan Weller. That boy had a tongue that could leave Jim breathless. Even thinking about him made Jim's palms begin to sweat.  
  
Jim stops at the Riverside Shipyards, recalling the day he stepped foot on the transport that would forever change his life. Jim knew he was a reckless youth chasing away the ghost of a father with a bottle and a closed fist, why Pike saw anything in him back then...Jim will never know.  
  
The young man James T. Kirk was has changed since Nero, since Khan and Krall. Jim will never look at things the same way again. He's tired of trying to live up to the name of Kirk and living up to Starfleet's expectations, let someone else take the mantel. Before he restarts the engine, a young crewman stationed at the ship yards waves to Kirk.

“Captain Kirk, it is an honor to meet you.“ He salutes.  
  
“At ease, I'm here just visiting family and not in any formal capacity.” He replies.  
  
Jim looks at him and sees all the the hopes and dreams of a young man eager to chase the stars and make discoveries of his own. He was a young man once so Jim simply smiles back as the crewmen talks about why he joined and the family he's left behind. Their conversation isn't long as it is abruptly cut short when the crewman’s commanding officer reminds him of his post. The officer recognizes Kirk but merely nods as he escorts his crewmen back.

Realizing he should get something to eat, Jim stops by Nell's Bar and Grill. It is by no means a place for tourists but it is long standing diner known by many who grew up here. As he takes a seat in one of the booths, the waitress approaches. The woman in in her mid 50s, old enough to have known the Star Fleet captain in his youth but with so many people coming and going... Jim is sure he does not recall her or she him. For once he is grateful to be treated like any other person and not ask about what it is like to be a hero, Star fleet's poster boy or what is is like being the son of George Kirk.  
   
A holovid appears depicting a Starfleet recruitment ad. It shows the Federation as a symbol of gathering nations and worlds. Two man sitting at the bar converse. The larger of the two men speaks to the other.  
  
“Damn Starfleet. If you ask me we should have never befriended those Vulcans during First Contact. We were better off on our own! And what do I have to show for it? ... a wife without our son on account of the war Nero started and every son of bitch after that.”  
  
The smaller man ignores his friend, taking a sip of his drink instead. He sees Kirk out of the corner of his eye but says nothing.  Jim makes eye contact with the man, ready for what ever shit is gonna hit the fan. He is tired but ready it's fight these men want. Jim knows not everyone is appreciative of other species, being fearful of unknown is something that keeps people from discovering the wonders of life in its different forms regardless of color, gender or group.

Luckily the waitress takes notice and reminds the men they are running late for work at the shipyards and they quickly leave. Jim is relieved and after placing his order, the indicator of P.A.D.D. lights and Jim checks it thinking it must be McCoy checking in with him. He is surprised it is a message from his mother.

 

 _Jim,_  
  
I took the liberty of leaving the keys to the farm with Mrs. Dawson. I have to be honest the place is a mess but if I know you, it will be ship shape in no time.  
  
I know things have been estranged between us and I have never offered the olive branch to you but I want you to know I am sorry about your Grandmother. She was an admirable woman and loved you very much. Granted we did not get along much but I respected her.  
  
I will contact you later this week.

 _\- W. Kirk_  


"Great...a working vacation...” Kirk mouths to himself. He notes his mother closed her message with her initials. He is surprised she wrote at all, probably had some ensign send it for her. He thinks of sending a reply however decides against it. The last thing he needs is a conversation with Winona.  
  
His plate arrives and Jim finds his appetite has diminished somewhat after reading her message. He eats anyway knowing he'll need those nutrients if he is going to work cleaning up the family farm. He tells himself he'll need to stop by the Henway's Hardware and place an order to be delivered, figuring most the tools at home are not in good condition anyway.

  
  
  
+       +      +  
  
  
  
  
In San Francisco, Spock boards a transport headed to Riverside. Spock wonders if Jim would find his presence intrusive; however after speaking with Nyota, he knows he must seek Jim out.  
  
Sitting in the shuttle, Spock keeps to himself. It is something he has learned in his years as an outsider here on Earth. Too Vulcan to Humans and too Human to Vulcans is something Spock has grown all too tired of. If they only knew how much it pained him to be born of two worlds and never fully accepted in either.  
  
The only consolation Spock can take is his mother's love. She saw him not for the color of his skin or the tips of his ears but for what was on the inside. Her death left Spock without closure, a part of him felt dead inside knowing the loss was more than he had ever felt before until Jim died on the other side of a pane of glass and Spock could no nothing to prevent it. The loss of a man who felt everything was something that touched Spock in ways he didn't know existed. At first Spock felt shock, fear, sadness and then anger that his friend died so that others may live.  
  
Although the captain and he were never close, mainly due to Spock keeping a distance from Jim; Spock realizes his mistake in not getting to know the man behind the name.  At first Spock believes it is too late after Jim's death on the Enterprise and even after Jim's resurrection at the hands of Khan's blood the Vulcan tries uses logic to convince himself to remain as Jim's First Officer and nothing more. Now the Vulcan finds himself traveling to Riverside to face Jim and tell him the truth whether he will hear Spock out or not.  
  
  
  
  

 

**BLUE_MEETS_GREEN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to the X Ambassadors song “American Oxygen” as I wrote this chapter. I took it from Jim's POV of how he now sees things so much differently than when he was as a cadet all those years ago. For Spock's POV the song I listened to while composing this part of the chapter were the songs “Litost” and “Eye of the Storm” by X Ambassadors.
> 
> The next chapter will continue with Spock's POV as he travels to Riverside and also with Jim making efforts to clean up his life and the family farm.


	6. Safe inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In retrospect, Spock sees the opportunities he missed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may not be please with Spock's actions in the past. So be warned, Vulcans are able to lie...  
> The Flashback scenes were presented n a way which made more sense with the story.
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated.

As a Vulcan, Spock was able to keep track of time. It was ingrained in him at an early age, as well being able to calculate the odds down to the minutiae detail. It was something some of the senior crew found could be useful when gambling.  
  
Spock can recall the time the Chief Engineer urged the First Officer to attend a poker game in order increase his chances of winning.

  
_**Years before on board the Enterprise....** _  
  
“ _Come on Commander, tis a braw day for gambling. To think if I had your talent, I'd be spending my off time gaining credits and retire before Star Fleet could have a chance and put me back on that ice grave of a planet. You know they finally found the Admiral's dog?”_  
  
_Spock raises his eyebrow. “Lieutenant Commander, I believe it would be incorrect for you to assume the skill set of a Vulcan is talent. It is ingrained in my people and I would not use it in the manner you speak of.”_  
  
_Nyota laughs, “Spock, think of it as an opportunity in observing human behavior. You once stated you were interested in learning more about...”_  
  
_Nodding, “I will come to this game if only to observe. I will not participate.”_  
  
_Scotty rubs his hands together, “Lovely!”_  
  
_When he arrived with Lieutenant Uhura, Spock viewed the individuals seated. Sulu, Chekov, Dr. McCoy and the Chief Engineer all looked up. Scotty wasted no time in rising from his seat._  
  
“ _Commander, fancy seeing you here.” Scotty smirked as he pulled a seat for the the Vulcan._  
  
_“I came by ...” Before Spock could end his sentence with 'your invitation' the Scotsman began laughing aloud as if to muffle the Commander's words. Spock found it most perplexing._  
  
_Uhura whispered in his ear, "Just followed along Spock. Let Scotty have his fun. Besides I think Scotty needs your expertise in calculations if he stands a chance against the Captain.”_  
  
_Spock's eyebrows flew up his forehead, “The Captain is attending? I had believed he frowned upon such behavior of his officers. If this is the case I must take my leave before...”_  
  
_Nyota tugs on the sleeve of his uniform, “The Captain believes these games are beneficial in building communication between officers. Here they can learn more about each other and build trust which will aid them in other situations.”_  
  
_Considering her words, Spock remains seated until the Captain enters the room. He immediately stands and discovers he is the only one at attention._  
  
_“Captain.”_  
  
_“At ease Spock, we are not on duty and call me Jim”_  
  
_Turning toward Scotty, “So itching to win back those credits, I rightfully won from you?”_  
  
“ _I'd_ _gie ye a skelpit lug (give you a slap on the ear), if it got out that streak of luck you have there Jim.” Scotty blurted._  
  
_Bones adds, “Be careful Jim, Scotty's got a secret weapon tonight...Spock.”_  
  
_Jim smiles, 'Well, Spock I am well aware of your skill set as First Officer but I am afraid you are out of your element here.”_  
  
_Spock replies, “I merely here in the capacity as observer... Jim.”_  
  
_“Well, you can aid Mr. Scott as best you can but the Kirk mystique remains unblemished. Shall we begin?”_

 _Several hours later, Spock remained motionless Jim repeatedly bluffed and continued to invade any technique he used to determine the man's body language. The others were quite easily to read but not the Captain._  
  
_“The baw’s on the slates (game over) boys.” Scotty huffs in disappointment._  
  
_“Well, boys maybe next time.” Jim grins as he gathers his winnings._  
  
_Spock looks up, “You presented a falsehood throughout the game.”_

 _“Players to have to indulge in a little bluff now and then, if they want to play winning poker at least. After all, bluffing in poker is what a hypo is to a dangerous virus, what manure is to farm-fresh vegetables. You may not know about it, and if you do, you may not like it very much, but it is an integral part of the package, so you may as well get used to it.”_  
  
_Jim adds. “In the end, bluffing in poker means taking, playing on, and owning a psychological advantage. It’s about getting people to believe a little fib. Above all, it’s about being so convincing that you believe it yourself.”_  
  
_Spock believes the Captain is speaking more to himself than to him. Perhaps much of latter part of Jim's statement is more personal than let on._  


  _ _ **  
Present day...** _ _

  
Spock had never considered a flaw in his calculations, the ability for humans to bluff. It struck the Vulcan odd and no matter how well trained Spock was in calculating the odds he was unable to determine the Captain's next move whether on the bridge or during a game of chess in the recreation room.  
  
How easily he could announce to the millisecond when something was to transpire on the ship. The only thing he could not predict was the emotions his Captain instilled in him.  
  
He could not have known the blue eyed stranger he faced before Star Fleet's council all those years ago was his T'hy'la. _Strange to think of a human as someone closer than a friend, brother, lover._

  
With the attack of Nero on his homeworld and subsequently the Federation,  the revelation of a bondmate was placed on hold during the course of events.

Afterwards, Spock failed to act on the knowledge.  He convinced himself it was for the best that he remain at Nyota's especially after the destruction of Vulcan. His people's needs were greater than his own.

The Vulcan's need to become closer to his Captain remained in the background as he kept his duties as First Officer. Many times Spock held restraint when he viewed the younger man alone sitting in the observation deck.  
  
He attempted to block any thought of Jim as he made love to Nyota. He pictured in mind not Nyota but his beloved beneath his body, responding to his ministrations and not hers.  He imagined their bond would be the closest to perfection within the realm of space.  
  
Spock thought of Jim's hands entwined with his as he viewed the Captain writing his reports. He was able to break contact in observing the Captain before he noticed.  
  
Spock remained the calm and collected First Officer of the Enterprise even on that fateful day when Jim died before his eyes in the Engineering wing.  
  
  
**_That day...._ **

  
_They are separated by glass but it does not separate the mixture of emotions felt in the small confines of Engineering. Pleading eyes pierce into Spock's soul and he cannot help be but be drawn into them. Why had he not seen it sooner? Why did he not acted on the man’s pull toward him?_  
  
_Jim looks like a frightened child more than a man as his face displays the fear inside._  
  
_“I’m scared Spock.. help me not be.”_

  _Spock forces back emotion. He never cried for the loss of his mother and in this moment when faced losing the one person he feels a connection to, the floodgates of emotion are safe inside the rugged exterior of the half Vulcan. The Vulcan way, the teachings he has been taught to suppress them... Spock must find logic in this._

_Waiting for his answer as Spock remains transfixed on the scene before him Jim speaks again._

_“How do chose not to feel?”_

_Spock lowers his head, eyes cast down in disbelief that he is able keep reposed even though he is losing Jim._

_His voice remains calm, “It is a discipline not a choice." Spock lies._

_Observing Jim with a heavy heart breaking in his side at the thought this bright light of a man will cease._

_“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few..." Spock states.  
_

_Jim struggles as he tries to tell Spock, “I want you to know why I wouldn't let you die… why I came back for you...because you are my friend.”_  
  
_As the leave Jim's lips, he begins to weaken further and each breathe is more difficult than the last. With what strength he has left. Jim raises his left hand and places his palm against the glass panel…fingers spread apart as the Vulcan would on occasion to wish the other long life and prosperity but Spock feels this is more than that._

 _Spock lifts his left hand and places his palm against his. Even though separated by glass, it does not separate the mixture of emotions felt._  
  
_The movement feels as though it can last forever, Spock's katra screams internally hoping he will break and voice his emotions but he does not...and then…a peacefulness is seen in Jim’s face. He is unafraid as he faces the unknown once again perhaps for the last time.  His eyes move toward Spock, holding on to him. Spock is transfixed unable to move though his heart is breaking._  
  
_With his last breath Jim’s lip curls in a small smile as if to let Spock know it is alright even though Spock knows it isn't. They say the eyes are the window to the soul and if that is so, Spock is saddened he did not allow the soul of Jim touch his life._

_Jim’s hand falls away from the glass panel and Spock knows the once bright light that is James T. Kirk is no more, he feels more alone than he ever has in his life.”_

  
By all accounts, Jim proved to be an excellent Captain time and time again and he would have been prized as a bondmate, however Spock never allowed Jim inside.

The Vulcan never addressed the need of his soulmate, his other half. Instead Spock continued his duties to both the ship and to Nyota, who for all intense purposes had realized there was nothing between them but the falsehood of a relationship which was thrown together in the midst of loneliness and loss.  
  
Spock realizes he must rectify the wrong doing he has done not only to himself but to Jim. It is he who has bluffed throughout his interactions with Jim, pretending there was nothing there when all the while his heart burned for his T'hy'la...

 

 

**BLUE_MEETS_GREEN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally to include Jim in this chapter but I felt I needed to address why Spock never initiated a bond with Jim even with the realization the Captain was his Th'y'la.


	7. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim keeps his promise, Spock makes his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a long absence, I am back to updating my stories.

The wind blew against his face as Jim began to view the needed materials which arrived from the local mercantile. It was family run, had been for decades and the Kirk family were more than neighbors to the Hensons so Jim was able to have the supplies delivered without extra charge.

“Now if I need anything else…” Jim spoke.

“Mr. Henson said whatever you need just send word and if we don't have it, we'll order it.” The young man informed him.

“Let me unload the supplies for you Sir. It's my job.”

Smiling, “How old are you young man?”

“Nineteen Sir.”

“Well I'm not an old man do what do you say we unload it together? I promise not to tell Mr. Henson.”

The young man and Jim work in unison unloading the tools and materials. Thankfully, it's a cool day and the sun is at their backs as they finish.

Before the young man steps into the vehicle, Jim stops him. Handing him several credits, “For your trouble.”

“It wasn't Mr. Kirk. Thank you.”

As the vehicle travels over the hill toward town, Jim's stomach grumbles. He enters the kitchen grabbing a beer from the ice box since the house was never modified for replicators. Jim doesn't mind, in fact he prefers less technology these days. It makes it easier to forget what's left behind back in the void of space. One month shore leave isn't enough and while Jim knows that's unlike him, he isn't concerned about it.

Taking a swig, Jim looks at the land noticing how much has changed and how much hasn't. He quickly remembers and sets the beer down as he walks past the house to a small hill.

Wiping his brow, he kneels to the ground pulling weeds from the headstone that marks her grave. Lowering his head he silently prays the prayer his Grandmother taught him years ago.

“Well Grammy I made it in one piece. I kept my promise though to return home once I set my feet back on Earth even though it's late.”

Jim reaches for his back pocket, pulling out what appears to be a small crystalline rock. “This was the crystal I picked up on Remus 4. I remember you mention hearing about the healing properties the crystals possessed. Lord knows Grammy how many times I tried to give you this but you kept telling me I needed it more than you.” Jim sighs.

“Damn it. You could have told me you were dying. I would have jumped ship and headed straight here. Instead I find out about your death from my Communications Officer after a briefing.”

Clearing his throat, “Well no more of that. I'm going to take care of you now. I'm going to plant the biggest garden with your favorite winter flowers Grammy. I have all the time in the world now…”

  
  
+       +      +

At a transport station, Spock views a detailed map directing him to the Kirk farm. He pulls his cap lower covering his ears. Even though Earth is inhabited by many species, he knows there are some who do not approve in rural areas such as this.

A call comes through, knowing it is most likely Nyota making sure he has arrived safely. “Spock here.”

“Spock, are you in Riverside?”

“Affirmative, I disembarked approximately…”

Cutting him off, “Yes is sufficient Spock. Anyway I wanted to mention I notified Doctor McCoy of your arrival. I thought it best since he had planned to check in on Kirk but since he's learned you are there it will be safe to say it will just the two of you.”

Spock replies, “Thank you Nyota. I am gratified to learn of this.”

“It's the least I can do Spock. I feel I'm the reason that came between you both. Forgive me Spock for my selfishness. Even when I knew you had feelings for Jim, I wanted to hold on to us. I thought I could be enough for the both of us. It was wrong of me to hold you back.”

“It is I who has wronged both you and Jim. While I cannot make amends for the past, I will endeavor to what is right this time.

“Well, I suppose that's a Vulcan promise if I ever heard one. Remain in touch if it's possible and good luck Spock.” She tells him.

“Luck is no requirement although I find the remark suitable in this instance.”

Nyota ends the call and Spock pauses before closing his communicator. He considers Nyota's words. A Vulcan promise is something Spock hopes he can hold on to. Somehow he does not find it strange to hold on to a belief if it means Jim will forgive him for his transgressions and allow the Vulcan to make amends.

  
  
+        +       +

 

Spending the last hour clearing the grounds, Jim tackles loading rocks onto a wheelbarrow. If he's going to get any planting done, he'll need to get rid of them. The blaring sun hits his face as he loads the larger rocks. Working up a sweat, Jim removes his shirt. He uses it to wipe the moisture off his back and arms.  
  
Back in the house, Jim's P.A.D.D. alerts a message but with Jim outside he doesn't know. McCoy has been trying to reach Jim for the better part of a half hour. The doctor figures it's best to warn Jim he won't be alone for long with Spock arriving. Bones knows his friend all too well and Jim doesn't like surprises all too much especially if it does not involve a game of cards or a drink.  
  
“Damn it Jim, answer. Hell, if I am gonna pay for this later even if it isn't my fault. Damn green blooded Vulcan chooses now of all times to disregard logic and 'do what's right'.”

 

 

 

**BLUE_MEETS_GREEN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose to present Jim and Spock each on their own to reflect on the promises they have made individually. Some of what happens before Spock arrives is important to the story as it progresses.
> 
> The photo I used was an edit I created. I had originally found a photo of Chris om the set of the film Z for Zachariah and it has a girl next to him, well I had to fix that! You can see the original photo along with my re-edit [HERE](http://hellobluemeetsgreen.tumblr.com/post/166471712102/i-am-currently-working-on-chapter-7-of-my-fic) on my Tumblr. 
> 
> Note: I post the photos small as most readers view the site from their mobile phones. if you are on a PC or tablet, I advise you to view it on my Tumblr in it's original size.


End file.
